If you told 10 year-old, little Peyton, that she would lose her mom in seven years, life would have been looked at very differently. I unfortunately did not know that something so tragic would happen to me in my teen years.

I like to reflect on my self growth since my mom has passed away. I think a lot about what she would tell me in certain situations. I am so thankful to have her as my guardian angel though. I like to think she guides me in the right direction from Heaven. Mistakes are okay, they are inevitable. Trust your gut however.

I have grown quite a bit since my mom has passed away, and I am not talking about the growth of my feet or height. I have grown mentally, physically, and spiritually.

I have mentally grown because my seventeen year-old self, faced the unimaginable. I was my mothers care giver and watched her pass into eternal life at only seventeen years old. I do not think that is described in a normal childhood. I beat myself up a lot after my mom died. Maybe I could have done more, supported her more, loved her more… So many thoughts that I should not have had to experience.

I have days where I think about my future. I think about my college graduation. Yet another graduation without her but this time a bigger accomplishment. I think about my wedding. Instead of having my mom walk me down the aisle with my dad, I will have a chair reserved for specifically her. I think about me giving birth. I do not have the motherly role model to hold my hand or a grandma to my kids. I beat myself up about those things. I cry about those things. They are not normal but simply my sad reality. But I am also so lucky to have her guide me to those things. It may not be physically but I know she is there. She is there when the sun slightly peaks through an area of the clouds. She is there when the waves crash into the shore and drift away. She is there when a little white butterfly hovers over me. She is there, I know it.

I have physically grown since my mom passed away. I am no longer her dirty blonde baby but a full blonde. And now, I really look nothing like her. I have physically grown by the art on my body in remembrance of her. When she was still alive, we planned on getting matching “you are my sunshine” tattoos. Sadly, that never happened. I am not exactly sure she would appreciate the shrine of her however.

And lastly, I have spiritually grown. I do not believe in ghosts but rather spirits of people. I feel the gust of air sometimes and think it is her. Or I dream about her and I take that as her coming to see me.

Life without her has never felt easy. Some days truly just suck… But wherever she is in this crazy world, I sure hope she knows I miss her a lot.

To my best friend and my mommy,

I love you until we meet again.

Love,

Your cookie

What seems to be the hardest week of my life is here. The month of February is the month of love but to me, the month of February is sadness.

February 5th was the last day I would ever hear my moms voice. February 5th was the last day she was capable of controlling her body. The last conversation I had with my mom was regarding me getting a parking ticket. She was upset with me because I parked in a handicap spot at the Hospital to run up and as soon as I came back to the car, there was a ticket. She scolded me and said “Peyton, what did I tell you about parking in handicap at a hospital.” I was upset because I knew she did not need more stress on top of what she already had.

February 5th was not an ordinary day for me. I used to text my mom all the time when she was in the hospital but for some reason this night was so different for me. My last text to her said “Goodnight mom, I love you.” I never sent her goodnight texts but I had a gut wrenching feeling something was wrong. I fell asleep and looked at my phone when I woke up and she hadn’t texted me back. I figured she was sleeping but little did I know she was in an induced coma.

This week eats me alive. I cannot fathom the fact that I don’t have a mom anymore.

To my mommy in Heaven,

I love you. I am so sorry you were taken from us so soon. I hope Heaven is everything you ever imagined. I miss you mommy.

It takes a lot of strength for me to write on this blog but I am back. The past few months have been a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least.

The last time I wrote on this page was my Mom’s birthday so there has been a lot of events that have happened since.

I have had more good days then bad which has helped my emotional and mental health a lot. But with that being said, I have had days that are bad that have seemed to overpower my good days. Like I have said before, grief is an undescribable feeling. People deal with it in different ways. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my Mom, and that’s okay. I choose to deal with that on my own. I hate talking to people about the way I feel. So to start off with that, I am going to my first counseling session next week.

Counseling has this huge stereotype around it and that is okay but it is so necessary in some people’s lives. It is a huge step for me in my eyes. Of course I can talk to my friends and family about my thoughts and feelings but it is so good to hear advice from an outsiders prospective.

My Mom died when I was JUST seventeen years old. I only got seventeen, short years with her. There have been so many times this year that I wish I could just call her. Sometimes I wait for a call or text from her and I know it is never going to come but I wish it would. My life summed up in two parts is: life with my mom and now, life after her.

It has been 630 days, 90 weeks, and 20 months since I’ve heard her inappropriate jokes, her “I love you, cookie,” and her. It is so hard to wrap my head around the fact that I am a motherless daughter and that hurts more than anything. I never imagined my life two years ago today without my Janny Bake.

My mom just celebrated her 2nd Heavenly Birthday, yesterday.

Yesterday I spent the day with friends, which seemed to help take my mind off of my mom. But as I laid down for bed, I couldn’t help but think of her. The constant thought that goes through my head is, I’ll never see my mom again. And I have come to the conclusion that, that has been the hardest thing about losing her.

The last birthday we celebrated with my mom was her 48th birthday. I remember I had work that day and I didn’t want her to spend it alone so I had called off and I am so grateful I did that. Little did we know that it would have been her last birthday.

I worked at Stein Mart and she had gone in previously and saw this pair of boots that she so badly wanted so that is what I got her for her birthday. I also made her a card and put pictures of us on it and slipped it under her door in the morning so it would be the first thing she saw when she woke up. After she passed away, I found the card and kept it along with the boots.

You know, I don’t know where she is in this crazy world but I know she’s whole again. I know her brown, luscious locks are back and her beaming brown eyes are glossy again. I know she’s partying it up with Prince and her daddy. I know she is watching over me and protecting me. And I know she will meet me at the gates of Heaven.

I miss her and saying that is SUCH an understatement but I don’t know how else to say it. Through my mom I saw light in this dark world. So to you momma, I will love you until the end of time and I will carry you with me for eternity. Happy birthday my beautiful angel.

A year and a half without you.

It’s hard to compile my thoughts and feelings into words. I feel like all I do is repeat myself. “I miss her so much.” But it’s true. There are no words anymore. I can’t express how much I miss her without sounding like a broken record player.

The 7th of every month doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. But mile markers do. A year and a half since my mom took her last breath on Earth. The 5th of February, just two days before she died, my last conversation with her was about getting a parking ticket. I didn’t know that would be my last conversation with her.

It is hard being so young without a mom.

August 10th is my mom’s 50th birthday. She didn’t make it to her 49th and it breaks my heart that she will forever be 48 years young. She was too young to leave us.

I’m sad today.

Sitting on the back porch. Hair in a clip, with just a few pieces out. Glasses on head. Sweetarts tank top and blue boxer shorts. Cigarette in right hand. Telephone in the left hand. A vivid picture of my mom is what you call that. 

My mom and I had a rocky relationship up until her last three years of life. My mom was someone I opened up to about things I wouldn’t open up to anyone else about. 

I miss coming into our living room and sitting on the right side of the couch and looking over to see my mom sitting on the left side of the couch. We would be watching a show and mid way through, she would pause it just to talk to me. 

She would sometimes kick me with her feet because she knew how much I hated feet. 

She always had a coca-cola on our black TV trays, along with a bag of munchos chips and sprouts 12 flavored gummy bears. 

I miss that. I miss being able to hear her voice. I miss laughing at her or making fun of her, as we jokingly did that. I miss our relationship. I miss her. 

I promise, the process of grief gets easier with time but it is still so hard to think about. 

I’m okay somedays. Somedays i’m not. It’s hard to talk about her to people. Especially people who don’t know her. It’s hard to think about her not meeting some of the people who came into my life after she died. They don’t get to know her. They only get to know stories about her. That’s hard. 

Coming to terms with the loss of someone is an indescribable feeling. You have doubt and you feel pain. You have fear and loneliness.

I think i’ve faced doubt in the part of my mom not hearing me or watching me grow. I feel as though, sometimes, Heaven is a spiff, something made up for us to imagine that is where we go in our after life. I hope my mom is truly in Heaven. She was not perfect but I hope she made it this place we call “Heavenly.” I hope she’s whole again, with her 80s perm and chanel earrings. I felt pain in my moms death, as anyone would. I felt pain because I lost my other half. When my mom died, part of me went with her. I do not think i’ve been the same since. Death changes people. I felt fear in continuing life without her. I wanted to give up. I wanted to be with her. But that was so selfish of me. She would never want that for me. She would never want me to go with her if I had a life ahead of me. I think what she would want me to do is, learn from her mistakes. And lastly, I felt loneliness when she left. My sister was away at college and all of my moms family lived in California. My life was changing. I didn’t get to come home from school and hear her yell at our cat Mikey for being in her closet. I didn’t get to come home to a lunch made for me. I didn’t get to come home to her anymore. It is a really guilty feeling sometimes that I took advantage of that.

But I gained so much strength and a whole different perspective on life after she had passed away. It’s safe to say my mom was my bestfriend. I told her everything and we were inseparable. We did everything together. I lost my bestfriend and my mom. I have to continue on with life. This blog has let me be vulnerable to my thoughts and feelings.

Happy second Heavenly Mother’s Day, momma.

I wish I could say it gets easier but it really does not feel as if it has. Days like today, where I break down in the car and can’t control my breathing, happen so often. I just can’t wrap my head around the thought of never hearing your voice, feeling your touch, or being in your presence ever again. It just isn’t fair and that is really the only way to explain death.

I hate the feeling of being envious of people surrounding me who have moms. Having a mom is quite possibly the most rewarding thing you get out of life, at least from a daughters perspective. Girls go through so many life changing things that moms should be there for and it hurts knowing I can’t experience those life changing things with my mom.

Mommy, you weren’t perfect but you gave us what we truly needed; love. Thank you for putting us first and going to the end of the world and back for us. I miss our spontaneous dates, driving you to doctors appointments, ordering your complicated food, and most of all, you.

Wherever you are, please know I love you until the end of time. I am sorry you were taken from us so soon. I hope you’re happy and whole again with your loved ones. Please visit soon. Happy Mother’s Day.

Come back to Earth.

It has been 13 months of grieving since you’ve been gone. On sunny days I like to think you are happy wherever you are. Pain free and whole again.

I picture you sitting in your bathroom sink over lining your lipstick and clumping your spider lashes. I picture you watching the Today Show with Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira. I picture you screaming at the TV and jumping in the air when the Broncos would get a touchdown. I picture you talking about how frustrating it was that Howard Stern would only talk about inappropriate things as soon as I got in the car. I picture you dropping off food for me, for halftime at Football games. I picture you recording our cheer competitions. I picture you as the person you were before cancer.

Cancer never defined you as a person but it changed you.

I had a talk with my friend, Bobbi, the other day. Someone you will only know from watching over me. And I realized that was the hardest part about your death. I have met some of my lifelong friends since you have passed away and they will never get to meet you and you will never get to meet them.

There are somedays I wake up and do not want to be here anymore but I know you wouldn’t want me to be that way. I have to be here to be a role model for my younger cousins. I could never leave my friends or family behind for them to wonder why. I just don’t know how to live this life without you.

I can’t remember what my moms voice sounds like. I can’t remember what her touch feels like. I can’t remember her presence. And that kills me. If I could, I would skip every 7th of every month. I miss you, mommy.

How do you tell someone to get over the death of someone so dear to them? The answer is, you don’t. You never tell a person to get over it. The thing that bugged me the most about my moms passing was being “the talk.” I experienced so much back lash on her death, which only made things harder. Two weeks after my moms death someone told my friend that I post on social media about my mom too much. Heres the thing, I publicly speak about my mom in efforts to destigmatize grief. You can’t properly just “get over it.” Nor can you tell a person how to grieve. But, time does ease the pain.

I dealt with the death of my Papa 6 years before my Mom died. Death is an indescribable feeling. I was devastated and only 11 years old when he passed away. I still cry about him being gone but it wasn’t as bad as it was when it first happened. I will say, the firsts are the hardest and then those become seconds, thirds, and so on. Anniversaries hurt but random days seem to hurt more. I cry a lot about my mom. I will do something that reminds me of her and a wave of sadness flows over me. When I am sad, I turn on the playlist I dedicated to her. The songs bring back memories of times with her and that helps me cope.

A little over two weeks ago was one year without her. Although that day was filled with tears, it was also filled with happiness. It’s okay to smile and laugh through pain. Ashleigh and I did things in memory of our mom. Like coke slurpees, blasting Prince, and releasing purple balloons to travel to Heaven. I will say waking up and getting out of bed was probably the hardest thing I did that day. I wanted to lay in bed cry but I knew she wouldn’t want that. A year. The hardest day besides her death. February 7th isn’t just an ordinary day.

What should have been an ordinary day turned into a day i’ll never forget.

February 7th,2018. A gloomy day in Las Vegas. My alarm went off at 6 a.m.. The alarm that woke me up every morning for school. I woke up and got ready for school. My dad would leave around 6:10 a.m., “Bye Kiddo, I love you. Have a good day at school.” Little did I know what this day would have in store for me.

I drove to school and parked next to my best friend. That morning, Shelby got out of her car and walked over to mine. She greeted me with a big hug and said, “I love you, Pey. Your mom will be okay.” I’ll forever be grateful for the relationship my mom and Shelby had. My mom loved Shelby and Ciara as if they were her own. Shelby and my mom would always chat about ’90 day Fiance’ since my mom knew that show did not interest me at all. Shelby and her family were so special to me.

The 5 minute bell rang and off to class we went. That day felt so weird. I was hurting inside but I never liked to show any emotion. I went through my day like I always had. 5th period had come. Student Council never failed to make me feel at home. I loved everyone in there. We all shared a passion for something others didn’t. Ms. Heintz was my 6th period student aide teacher and she let me leave early. I was planning on going to the hospital to see Memaw and Aunt Lyndie. I asked Shelby if she would go with me and she did.

We walked through the automatic doors of Mountain View Hospital and proceeded to go into the elevators. Something seemed off and I couldn’t pin point it. We walked into room 217 of ICU to see Memaw and Aunt Lyndie sitting at the foot of moms bed. We exchanged hugs and sat down, asking them how the drive was. Memaw stood up and went beside moms bed to hold her hand. I looked at her and asked if the nurses had taken her off the ventilator to see if her kidneys were still properly functioning. She went white and then chokingly said “Lyndie please tell her.” An instant pit formed in my stomach.

My Aunt turned her chair and held my hand. “Baby, the doctors can’t do anything. Your mom got worse through the night.” In a state of shock, I just screamed “no” over and over. How do I go through my life without her? I just wanted to yell at her and tell her to get it together. I needed her. The doctor came in and told me that “She would be a vegetable if we continued to keep her on the ventilator.” I couldn’t let her suffer. I couldn’t be selfish. My mom deserved more than that. Aunt Lyndie, Shelby and I went to the airport to pick up Ashleigh.

We arrived back at the hospital with Ash. She was distraught and I could tell. She never told me how she felt so I was really worried about her. She asked for the room to herself to be with mom. I called my Dad. He answered and said “Hi Kiddo.” I responded with, “Da da dad, mom.” I couldn’t spit out that she was going to Heaven. He told me to breathe. I always had issues with overworking myself when I cried and not being able to breathe so he was telling me to “breathe in, breathe out.” I finally spit out “Mom is going to Heaven tonight.” He responded with, “Oh kiddo, I am so sorry. I will come if you guys want.” My parents had been separated since I was 3 months old. They had a lot of issues within each other which is so normal. But to hear my Dad cry, broke my heart. Him and my mom would always have love for each other no matter what.

Throughout the night people came and went. Heather, Shelby’s mom, brought us all Starbucks. She reassured my Memaw that they were there no matter what (and that is just one of the many examples of why that family is special to me). Maria, mom’s coworker, came and said her goodbyes. Helen, mom’s bestfriend, came to be with her for the last time. Alex, my boyfriend at the time, came to be with her as well. I hold a special place in my heart for him as well. He really loved my mom and so did she, and that was really important to me.

7 o’clock rolled around. We knew the time was coming. We started praying and holding her hand, just telling her how much we loved her. It was something I never imagined facing at 17 years old. There was still so much to be done. More coke slurpee and taco adventures, more Walking Dead episodes, Graduation party, sending me off to college, walking me down the aisle, seeing the birth of children, and so much more. I felt robbed in the sense of losing someone so dear to my heart in such a short life. At 7:30, Nurse Jan would walk in and unplug her from all of the machines. She said “Janelle, Ashleigh and Peyton are here. They love you so much.” The music began to play. “No weeping, no hurt or pain. No suffering. You hold me now.” Within two minutes, her body had shut down completely. The monitor went flat and the endless noise of a non beating heart would go off. I stormed out of the room. I was angry but overall heartbroken. Aunt Lyndie came out and wrapped her arms around me. I felt terrible that the other patients had to hear my ugly cry but I couldn’t control myself.

Ashleigh and I laid beside her and just cried. We played Prince in hopes of him meeting our Momma at the gates of Heaven. Ciara called me crying and told me it’ll be okay. Keenan and Darion texted Shelby and asked if they could come see me. I’m really grateful for friends like them. Without Alex, Shelby, Darion, Keenan and Tierra, I don’t think I would have gone through the night like I did. They arrived and they cheered me up. Happiness felt impossible in that moment but they proved me wrong.

We waited for the cremation people to come and take my mom. She wanted to be cremated and I was happy she picked that over burial. I carry her with me everyday because of it. They arrived around 11 p.m. and everyone had left by then. We didn’t say our final goodbyes because we would do that in the funeral home. They took her and we packed everything up and went home.

Walking into my moms home, knowing she would never step foot in it again, killed me. I walked up the stairs and sat in the dark purple love seat. I knelt my head on the arm rest and just cried. I was numb. In that moment, I had wished I went with her. I didn’t know how to move on with life. I got up and went in my room for more peace. I pressed my head in my pillow and screamed. My Aunt came in and sat beside me and rubbed my back. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me in that very moment. Me and her had always been closer than most. No words were exchanged but the silence and her presence was comforting. I then fell asleep.

The next morning, I woke up, with no plans of going to school. My room had black out curtains and the sun never shined through them. That morning, the sun was shining through the side of them and projected a glair onto a picture of my mom that was hung up on the wall. In that very moment I knew she had made it to Heaven. She was telling me she was okay.